People

For whatever reason, I allowed myself to be persuaded to join up with a few other folk for a couple of days walking in the lake district. In some respects it highlights how confined my world has become. Being out with other people listening to their exchange of conversation, I felt alienated. it is not any ones fault. These are nice people. However, their talk was of friends, family, relationships. Normal, everyday things. Subjects though that are far removed from my daily life, unfamiliar, outside of my knowledge. My own conversation seemed trite, stilted. It was odd in a way, almost as if I was once removed, an observer looking through a window. People laughing, joking, exchanges of banter and good humour. Another world, once removed from mine. They left on the Sunday night, whereas I was staying on for another couple of days. Standing in the car park saying goodbye, I struggled with my emotions as they threatened to run riot. Biting my lip, trying to keep my voice steady when I was close to tears. Watching the cars tail lights disappearing in the distance, a sense of loss, of sadness, swept over me. Slowly I returned to the tent. Trying to occupy my mind, I cooked some supper and attempted to read. Finally though I gave up on both and just burrowed deep in to the cocoon of my sleeping bag to spend a long and listless night. The following day was just spent wandering out on the fells. The day I left was one of heavy rain, low clouds and dark, brooding sky. To be honest it matched my mood and I was glad to leave.

Preparing for winter

The weather is noticeably turning colder. Winter is approaching in no uncertain manner. This is the time of year that I find most difficult in the outdoors. In an earlier blog I mentioned dilation. Not kidney dilation either. It comes with the territory and is something I adhere to on an almost daily basis. Missing the odd day here and there is no problem though. However, it takes up the best part of an hour. It is tedious, a book is a must. Without a book I find that every few minutes I stare at the clock and Oh my, time can drag. As most folk will notice over on my outdoor blog, I am away often. At least, as long as I have enough cash to pay for a coach ticket. Doing these very personal necessities poses their own problems in winter. For a start, it is cold, very, sometimes and I can end up shaking with cold. Also, I use KY jelly, it does strange things when it gets cold. If temperatures are very low and my kit that I use are not protected the ky can freeze. It has happened. There is a limit to the amount of baby wipes I can carry. Normally I just grit my teeth and clean up with cold water. A few days back I received an e mail from a guy, anonymous. Not really a harmful e mail, but he was complaining that I was too explicit, too open about myself. Maybe I am, however, I have seen and have been very aware how these these issues are not discussed or aired. As a result folk are ignorant of the facts. They have strange misconceptions. One of those is that it is a case of a guy just wanting to dress up as woman. Psychiatrists and professional people world wide are now realising this is far from the case. It is not just the physical side of things. Things run a lot deeper than that. No one in their right mind would go through what people like myself go through just for the sheer fun of it. Maybe I am lucky in not having family. There are cases where families are torn apart by gender problems. Suicides are not that uncommon. For me it is extremely hard to explain things but I try. It is best to honest and if I make folk see things in a better light then that can only be good.

Isolated

Well, things have come a messy pass. Having recently returned from Scotland I find that there has been a civil court case held against me by my former employers. What is annoying is that I received no communication that this was going through. It was all done in my absence. Having contacted my solicitors they now inform me that it a civil matter and something they do not deal with. There is mention of court costs to the sum of several thousand pounds. Well, someone has fallen flat on their face there. My flat is devoid of almost all furniture. There is not even a bed, only my mattress. There is no cooker, microwave or fridge, only a chair. The few items of any value are my lap top and tv. The tv is a basic 14" thing. My lap top is the one thing of any intrinsic value, in that it is my window out in to the world. Obviously, to me my outdoor stuff is of more value. Monetary wise it is not worth that much at all. Having spent time trying to find out where I actually stand in all this, I am left feeling very isolated. One thing people can be assured of, I will not voluntarily let any bailiffs through the door. As it is, when I go away any time my lap top and a few other bits will not be left in the flat. If anyone come knocking at the door looking for cash things may well turn nasty.

Kids?

Today I had to take a bus journey. It was quite a busy bus and I took a seat upstairs near the back. Three teenage girls where sitting directly behind me on the long back bench seat. Almost as soon as sat down A string of verbal abuse, directed at me, began. The language, to put it mildly, was vulgar. No one could accuse me of being a prude but this was hard to accept. The girl directly behind me, was the obvious ring leader. She poke me on the shoulder. "Oi, you, what the f--k are you?" maybe I should have just got off the bus at that point and walked away? Why though, why should my life be dominated at the whim of three teenage girls? There was no reasoning with them. Their language and attitude was vitriolic. It was confrontational, abusive. My anger was rising, inside I was seething. Finally the ringleader stood up and stood over me. "You piece of s---, white trash." basically I told her to shut it, I had had enough, I just held eye contact, refusing to back down. She raised her voice even higher. "Shut it or I'll do you." Her two mates screeched encouragement. Her hand went to her jacket pocket. If she had gone any further I would have hit her and sod the consequences. Instead the three of them stalked off down the bus laughing and jeering. The rest of the passengers just sat there. It was obvious they did not want to be involved. usually when these things happen I somehow shrug it off, but this leaves me very unsettled, angry too. Confidence yet again eroded. It just raises yet more questions.

Big brother

Over the last few months, following legal advice, I have been unable to write here. After a police raid on my flat and subsequent arrest it appears that allegations had been made against me. Part of the problem relates back to my former employers. Having clashed with two managers, both homophobic and steeped in the aura of their own authority, I had challenged them. The whys and wherefores are too long and complicated to go in to. Truth was twisted and distorted, ridiculous allegations where made. The fact that someone such as myself had the temerity to stand up against them obviously was considered a challenge to their authority. Having lost everything, job, my own equipment, tools, holiday pay and so forth, I was angry, justifiably so. Further allegations where made. It now transpires that my blog pages where being monitored by various people. This includes the police, they actually admitted that and had taken sections of my scribblings as evidence. It makes one wonder, do they actually spend time checking up on my trips as well. The mind boggles at the thought of the police actually checking out my grid references etc. One more, my whole past was thrown in my face. My background, history, everything was mauled over and dragged out again for another public airing. Today, having been on police bail for several weeks, someone has finally realised that there is no case against me that would stand up in court and all charges have been dropped. How do I feel? Well, maybe a tad relieved, however, bitter and further removed from mainstream society. Slowly, slowly I am edging toward the idea of just walking out on everything.

frustration

Sitting here at the keyboard I realise it has now been three days since I last ventured out of doors. At present I am waiting on something I had to order before heading north once more. because of my daily dilation I need complete protection from the midges. That means a full size midge net. Something I currently do not have.
What have I been doing since my last trip. In some ways, not a lot. In other ways, spending much time trying to figure out the easiest way to move from London. Basically it all comes down to finance. Being on benefits puts me on the bottom of the finance ladder, or more likely, below it. Benefits means no mortgage. It would not be covered. Bank loan, sorry, without job security it is not feasible. Ok, get a job. Therein lies a problem. Sure I have a few skills, nothing on paper though. There is an added problem, a people problem, I am unable to work with other people. That is not an excuse, it is a reality. Maybe it is down to this aspurges thing. My last job, which was the first in several years,I struggled with for ten years until it finally blew up in my face. There is no way I am prepared to go through that again. My trip across Scotland has heightened those feelings. It was so difficult for me, emotionally and mentally. Taking charge, leading from the front, that is not my strong point. In fact, it is a struggle. Some nights I would go to sleep totally wrung out mentally. It is highly likely that is why I ended up with vertigo. It followed after some really bad nightmares, something that had not occurred for some time. On that particular night I remember waking up trying to scream, afraid. The sudden and violent waking with a jolting head movement,was enough to trigger a severe bout of vertigo.. That was confirmed when I checked out with a GP. So far I have contacted scores of estate agents about renting properties, advertised, spoke to local people gone through local newspapers, nothing. Not on my financial level anyway. In some ways I am tempted to just up and go. Dump everything and walk away. Gradually I have been getting rid of material things. My main fridge went to a neighbour all I am using now is an electric cool box. My microwave went to someone else. Cooking now is done on the draining board on whatever stove I happen to have fuel for. Currently I am cooking on meths. My large monitor/tv was swapped for a basic small tv. My dvd player has gone, ditto the high majority of my books. My furniture is down to basics, a chair and a bed. A lot of clothes went as well. Some of my outdoor gear has gone. A very light, but large tent will be given away to anyone who wants it. Maybe one of my smaller tents will go too. They are just things, they have no real importance. All my past, anything from earlier years has gone. In July I am meeting up with a few folk for a weekend on Dartmoor. Now that I am reverting back to mainly going solo, I am uneasy about it. As I have written before, a few people are genuine outcasts from mainstream society. They may be in society but are not a part of it. As I grow older I question many things; death, euthanasia, freedom of choice.

If

Having just come back from a trip north saw me looking through various blog sites, just catching up on what was happening out there.. In one there is a mention of a lone hiker who died in a remote area. It set me thinking, just reflecting on the events of the previous week. Throughout the bulk of the trip I felt unsettled. Not depressed Per SE, but not totally at ease either. A few times recently I have woken from bad, weird dreams. That has not happened for some time. One event in particular made me pause and think.Picking my way through an area of dense scrub and undergrowth I found myself funnelled down into deep gully. The bushes and small trees that enclosed it formed a perfect canopy over it. There was space underneath, a hollow, a natural chamber. Little in the way of natural light managed to filter through. My first though that came to mind was how tomb like it was. Slipping my rucksack off, I sat for a few moments, noticing the silence, the coolness, the tangy, earth smells. Unbidden the thought came, 'what a perfect place to die'. It was not in a morbid way, just a general acceptance of our own mortality. What could be more natural than to be absorbed back in to the very earth. No digging of a specialised hole in the ground, enclosed in a cheap wooden box, just another person being buried by some minister to whom I am a stranger.No marking of the place, just a plot number in some obscure church yard. When an animal dies on the hill it is not long before it's carcase is absorbed, the bones remains but even those are soon covered and become part of the Eco system too. It caused me to reflect on other things too. When I travel no one knows that I have gone. After all, for me, who is there to inform? There is no family, no close connections. Who would miss me? How long would it be before anyone realised I was missing? Definitely weeks, in all probability, months. Recently I have been stripping stuff down. My microwave has gone, my large fridge, some of my clothing, the majority of my books. My only furniture is a bed and a chair. So my possessions are few, there is nothing of real importance. If things did go wrong on the hill, I will not say 'the worst' because it really is not the worst case scenario, then ok, it happens. Better surely than existing out the later years in some cheap and tiny flat.

Cynical

Watching the news concerning the recent events in Jersey saddens me. It makes me wonder too. It is portrayed as something that is uncommon. Unfortunately that is not the case. Abuse in institutions in the UK has been an all too common event. Ok, nowadays there is much more scrutiny. having said that, I am sure it still occurs. In the past deaths, injuries, violence, abuse of authority, they have all been a too common occurrence. Often the powers that be would sooner not know exactly what happens inside the walls of these places. The type of people in these places had no voice to speak for them. They where not in the main stream of society. many had no family. If they died, the attitude was, 'well so what'! It was all too easy to ignore what happened.
Abuse occurs in many forms, from actual physical violence and sexual abuse, to abuse by medication, the liquid cosh. Heavy doses of tranquilizers, sleeping draughts and so forth. Drugs administered on an experimental basis. Electro convulsive therapy, usually administered with an anaesthetic but not always. It has all happened and in recent times too.
For me these things are very real. My own view of this dark side of society has left me with no trust in any form of authority. yes, I am highly cynical and I believe I have a right to be.
In answer to the person who e mailed me. Ok, I respect your request to remain anonymous. Yes, I could go further in to detail, however, I consider that this is not the place to do so. originally I had intended this place to be separate from my outdoor blogging site. Somehow though the two sites run parallel. It is obvious that anyone reading my outdoor blogs may wander in this direction. There are folks out there who know who I am. It would be too awkward and I would be uncomfortable with people knowing my background chapter and verse. Let me just say, I know what I am writing about. Yes, I have there, seen it all, experienced it first hand.
it is a common occurence that quite often staff in these forms of institutions are there because of their own personality disorders. Like attracts like. Studies have shown that people put in a position of authority over others will abuse that authority. It becomes a heady mix, authority equals power. In some cases, given their position of power, there are those who will accept no challenge from anyone, either staff or inmate. Some will relish that. Others, introduced in to a regime of authority and rule will become, over time, hardened to it so that gradually it becomes the norm.

Disquiet

Away over the Easter weekend. Spent the first couple of days walking solo. This is where I am most comfortable. The plan was to meet with a few other outdoor folk at a designated campsite. Due though to bad weather, basically a campsite that was a sea of mud, everyone moved to a bunkhouse. Ok, I coped with this not too badly. On the Saturday night though, something occcured that totally threw me. Without going in to details this was a situation that I would have considered to be in control of. On this occasion though that was not the case. For reasons I am unsure of, old memories came flooding back. There where feelings of guilt, memories of pain, of punishment. it was all there, so vivid, stark. These where things I thought had been dealt with, or at least, come to terms with. The whole thing scared me. If transport had been running on the Sunday I would have left there and then. As it was I just isolated through the day. Fortunately everyone was heading out to go walking. My excuse was that I had the start of a migrain. Emotionally I felt ripped apart. Even now, almost a week later, I am having difficulty understanding why I had such a strong, negative reaction. Possibly I am withdrawing further from society.
Certainly in the main I walk alone through life. Outcast is a handle that suits me well. As I grow older, I ponder at times if I am actually cursed. Yes, I have a certain social level but confidantes, really close friends, that is another story. Death is more often in my thoughts. A shadow of darkness. Pain, anger, these are things I have mentioned before. Why do I survive?

Questions

As I grow older I really question as to why I still exist upon this earth. In many ways I am stuck in a time and place I do not care for. The injustice of the manner in which I lost my job still rankles. The company has a bad reputation in the manner they treat staff. In many ways, residents too. Originally I was with another association, this one took over. At the time many of us thought they would breath new life in to a system that was failing. My first sense of unease was when this company began to shed all our long term residents. It had been a policy that some of our guys where offered a home for life, giving them support and care that they required. With in a short period of time I knew of several who had died. Suicides, drug overdoses and so forth. They simply could not cope in society. Unfortunately money is all, even for an association that is supposedly providing care in the community. As for me, well, I was one of the old originals and as had happened to many others I had to go. Management stood shoulder to shoulder, they openly sneered as I attempted to argue my case. It was a forgone conclusion, descisions had already been made and I was discarded. No back pay, no holiday pay. Almost all my tools lost. If that company went up in flames I would stand on the side lines and cheer. I gave them them my all but now once more I am back to my original outcast being and growing older, bitter, angry.

social outcast.

There is a theme running through my head in regard to being a social outcast. Obviously there are some who deliberately choose to go down that road. There are those who, through circumstances in life become that way. Some, and here I would say, a minority; have been alienated, in one way or another, from the mainstream of society. In my own circumstances, as far back as I remember, this has always been the case. From very early home life I can distinctly remember not belonging. Institutional life started early. Again, the same pattern of events, being on the outside, looking in. Never belonging to the mainstream group of kids. It is a repetative pattern that has constantly dogged me. Right through my teens my attemps to belong, to be one of the gang, led me in to many scrapes. Often it meant being the butt of others people fun. That constant theme has led at times to extremes of behaviour. It has caused me much trouble, mental health problems and so forth. As I have grown older, so I have gradually pieced together a few answers. The aspurges syndrome, although probably in mild form, the gender issue; that did cause major issues. In all probablity there will be no light shining at the end of the tunnel. Today, I manage, to a certain degree. In many respects because I have become a better actor. Usually though I remain uncomfortable around people. yes, I can manage the everyday social pleasantaries, thereabouts. Still though I over compensate. Recently, invited to visit someone for a weekend; it somehow seemed crucial to buy presents, to leave cash. It is scary too, staying in someones home. What is home? For me, personally, home means only the place I am currently based at before moving on elswhere. Often I feel a degree of uncertaintity, at time bordering on panicky unsureness. Questions remain, I am getting older, obviously relationships are no go. In the cold light of day, I hope that when I start finding that I can no longer do the things I am doing now; when strength and ability are on the down hill run, then I hope for a swift end. Blunt but practical.

Anger

The last few months have been chaotic. In July I was suspended after an altercation with a manager. Things snowballed, without going into all the gory details, things got traumatic. Severe allagations where made against me. The police where involved, I was arrested, banged up in the cells, fingerprinted, dna tested and so forth. Fortunately the crown prosecution service saw sense and threw the whole sorry mess out. There was a disciplinary hearing. My evidence,my whole defense was largely ignored or brushed aside. The fact that years back I was diagnosed with a mild form of aspurges syndrom, re, have difficulty in handling stress related incidents, find forming relationships extremely difficult which in turn means I have little choice but to remain largely a loner. Thus in relation to work I am not a 'team player'? All this was dragged up. Subsequently I was thrown out of my job. Yes, I appealed, that was grim. The senior manager who took the first hearing, sat right through the hearing, her disaproval of me was writ large. Her gloating look at the end was sickening.
Maybe it sounds like sour grapes but it was so evident that management just closed ranks. It was looked upon that I had challenged management and that was not permitted.
The knock on affects just keep on reverbarating. It is not the losing of my job that makes me angry. it is in the manor in which it was done. That was my first job in many years. I worked damned hard to make a go of things, to fit in to a society where largely I feel alienated. That in many respects is destroyed. Once more I am retreating from people, from a society which I do not understand. Once again I am wary, bitter, angry.
One thing I have discovered over the years is that there always a few people who become societies rejects. outcasts, they do not belong. Because they are, for many reasons, different. Society, ie the greater mass of people, view and treat them with suspicion. Sometimes ridicule them, or even persecute such individuals. Studying social history, it is evident that this has always been the case. In this country people where flogged, burned, drowned, tortured. Over time society became more humane. Often outcasts where simply locked up in lunatic asylums. Several years ago I had the opportunity to visit a small museum. Much of what was on view came from the old Bedlam in south London. At one time in Waterloo and then what is know the imperial war museum. The old staff uniforms, wooden staves to keep control of the inmates. Straight jackecomplete with ts and shackles. Among the exhibits where two square boxes maybe a foot or so in diameter and around three foot high. Each bore a brass plaque with the words, 'spare a thought for the poor lunatic'. This was due to the fact that rich Victorians used to visit the asylum for a Sunday afternoons entertainment. If the warders could persuade! a few inmates to 'perform', so much the better. It meant a bit of extra cash for in the warders pocket.
Hitler offered a solution by gassing any German with a mental health problem. Oh he dressed it up in all sorts of flowery speech but many psychiatric hospitals in Germany in the late 1930's had their inmates shipped off, never to be seen again.
Has society changed that much? To be honest I am not so sure. Yes, there is more understanding and tolerance. However, there is still a lot of misconceptions and deep rooted suspicions. From my side of things I must be honest, I am bitter. Having seen some of the worst mal practices of the mental health system. Cynical too. At times I question my very being, why do I bother? Often I feel at a loss, tip toeing around the edge of society but never really belonging. It is a different vocabulary. People talk of love, of affection. Sorry, what is love? That is an alian word. People hold hands, cuddle, make love, have relationships. That is not my world. Certainly I have worked hard on those areas. The physical, emotional and mental scars veriify that. The fact remains though, it is cold out here in the wilderness. People scare me. The word outcast springs to mind, one who is cast out or rejected by society. Well, maybe, maybe not. In all probality, it is case of never having belonged to the greater whole that makes up the mass we term as society. What is scary is that I am getting older. Lonliness bites deeper. The nearest I get to bridging the gap is in my hill walking activities. Even here though more often than not I walk solo. A few years back I was in one of the remoter parts of Scotland and found parts of a tent, a trecking pole and a few other bits. Reporting when I came out, I was informed that someone had vanished in that region a couple of years previously and had never been found. Sobering, it crosses my mind often. That could be me. If something happened who would know? Very few, who would care? A small minority.