Cynical

Watching the news concerning the recent events in Jersey saddens me. It makes me wonder too. It is portrayed as something that is uncommon. Unfortunately that is not the case. Abuse in institutions in the UK has been an all too common event. Ok, nowadays there is much more scrutiny. having said that, I am sure it still occurs. In the past deaths, injuries, violence, abuse of authority, they have all been a too common occurrence. Often the powers that be would sooner not know exactly what happens inside the walls of these places. The type of people in these places had no voice to speak for them. They where not in the main stream of society. many had no family. If they died, the attitude was, 'well so what'! It was all too easy to ignore what happened.
Abuse occurs in many forms, from actual physical violence and sexual abuse, to abuse by medication, the liquid cosh. Heavy doses of tranquilizers, sleeping draughts and so forth. Drugs administered on an experimental basis. Electro convulsive therapy, usually administered with an anaesthetic but not always. It has all happened and in recent times too.
For me these things are very real. My own view of this dark side of society has left me with no trust in any form of authority. yes, I am highly cynical and I believe I have a right to be.
In answer to the person who e mailed me. Ok, I respect your request to remain anonymous. Yes, I could go further in to detail, however, I consider that this is not the place to do so. originally I had intended this place to be separate from my outdoor blogging site. Somehow though the two sites run parallel. It is obvious that anyone reading my outdoor blogs may wander in this direction. There are folks out there who know who I am. It would be too awkward and I would be uncomfortable with people knowing my background chapter and verse. Let me just say, I know what I am writing about. Yes, I have there, seen it all, experienced it first hand.
it is a common occurence that quite often staff in these forms of institutions are there because of their own personality disorders. Like attracts like. Studies have shown that people put in a position of authority over others will abuse that authority. It becomes a heady mix, authority equals power. In some cases, given their position of power, there are those who will accept no challenge from anyone, either staff or inmate. Some will relish that. Others, introduced in to a regime of authority and rule will become, over time, hardened to it so that gradually it becomes the norm.

Disquiet

Away over the Easter weekend. Spent the first couple of days walking solo. This is where I am most comfortable. The plan was to meet with a few other outdoor folk at a designated campsite. Due though to bad weather, basically a campsite that was a sea of mud, everyone moved to a bunkhouse. Ok, I coped with this not too badly. On the Saturday night though, something occcured that totally threw me. Without going in to details this was a situation that I would have considered to be in control of. On this occasion though that was not the case. For reasons I am unsure of, old memories came flooding back. There where feelings of guilt, memories of pain, of punishment. it was all there, so vivid, stark. These where things I thought had been dealt with, or at least, come to terms with. The whole thing scared me. If transport had been running on the Sunday I would have left there and then. As it was I just isolated through the day. Fortunately everyone was heading out to go walking. My excuse was that I had the start of a migrain. Emotionally I felt ripped apart. Even now, almost a week later, I am having difficulty understanding why I had such a strong, negative reaction. Possibly I am withdrawing further from society.
Certainly in the main I walk alone through life. Outcast is a handle that suits me well. As I grow older, I ponder at times if I am actually cursed. Yes, I have a certain social level but confidantes, really close friends, that is another story. Death is more often in my thoughts. A shadow of darkness. Pain, anger, these are things I have mentioned before. Why do I survive?

Questions

As I grow older I really question as to why I still exist upon this earth. In many ways I am stuck in a time and place I do not care for. The injustice of the manner in which I lost my job still rankles. The company has a bad reputation in the manner they treat staff. In many ways, residents too. Originally I was with another association, this one took over. At the time many of us thought they would breath new life in to a system that was failing. My first sense of unease was when this company began to shed all our long term residents. It had been a policy that some of our guys where offered a home for life, giving them support and care that they required. With in a short period of time I knew of several who had died. Suicides, drug overdoses and so forth. They simply could not cope in society. Unfortunately money is all, even for an association that is supposedly providing care in the community. As for me, well, I was one of the old originals and as had happened to many others I had to go. Management stood shoulder to shoulder, they openly sneered as I attempted to argue my case. It was a forgone conclusion, descisions had already been made and I was discarded. No back pay, no holiday pay. Almost all my tools lost. If that company went up in flames I would stand on the side lines and cheer. I gave them them my all but now once more I am back to my original outcast being and growing older, bitter, angry.