The last few months have been chaotic. In July I was suspended after an altercation with a manager. Things snowballed, without going into all the gory details, things got traumatic. Severe allagations where made against me. The police where involved, I was arrested, banged up in the cells, fingerprinted, dna tested and so forth. Fortunately the crown prosecution service saw sense and threw the whole sorry mess out. There was a disciplinary hearing. My evidence,my whole defense was largely ignored or brushed aside. The fact that years back I was diagnosed with a mild form of aspurges syndrom, re, have difficulty in handling stress related incidents, find forming relationships extremely difficult which in turn means I have little choice but to remain largely a loner. Thus in relation to work I am not a 'team player'? All this was dragged up. Subsequently I was thrown out of my job. Yes, I appealed, that was grim. The senior manager who took the first hearing, sat right through the hearing, her disaproval of me was writ large. Her gloating look at the end was sickening.
Maybe it sounds like sour grapes but it was so evident that management just closed ranks. It was looked upon that I had challenged management and that was not permitted.
The knock on affects just keep on reverbarating. It is not the losing of my job that makes me angry. it is in the manor in which it was done. That was my first job in many years. I worked damned hard to make a go of things, to fit in to a society where largely I feel alienated. That in many respects is destroyed. Once more I am retreating from people, from a society which I do not understand. Once again I am wary, bitter, angry.
One thing I have discovered over the years is that there always a few people who become societies rejects. outcasts, they do not belong. Because they are, for many reasons, different. Society, ie the greater mass of people, view and treat them with suspicion. Sometimes ridicule them, or even persecute such individuals. Studying social history, it is evident that this has always been the case. In this country people where flogged, burned, drowned, tortured. Over time society became more humane. Often outcasts where simply locked up in lunatic asylums. Several years ago I had the opportunity to visit a small museum. Much of what was on view came from the old Bedlam in south London. At one time in Waterloo and then what is know the imperial war museum. The old staff uniforms, wooden staves to keep control of the inmates. Straight jackecomplete with ts and shackles. Among the exhibits where two square boxes maybe a foot or so in diameter and around three foot high. Each bore a brass plaque with the words, 'spare a thought for the poor lunatic'. This was due to the fact that rich Victorians used to visit the asylum for a Sunday afternoons entertainment. If the warders could persuade! a few inmates to 'perform', so much the better. It meant a bit of extra cash for in the warders pocket.
Hitler offered a solution by gassing any German with a mental health problem. Oh he dressed it up in all sorts of flowery speech but many psychiatric hospitals in Germany in the late 1930's had their inmates shipped off, never to be seen again.
Has society changed that much? To be honest I am not so sure. Yes, there is more understanding and tolerance. However, there is still a lot of misconceptions and deep rooted suspicions. From my side of things I must be honest, I am bitter. Having seen some of the worst mal practices of the mental health system. Cynical too. At times I question my very being, why do I bother? Often I feel at a loss, tip toeing around the edge of society but never really belonging. It is a different vocabulary. People talk of love, of affection. Sorry, what is love? That is an alian word. People hold hands, cuddle, make love, have relationships. That is not my world. Certainly I have worked hard on those areas. The physical, emotional and mental scars veriify that. The fact remains though, it is cold out here in the wilderness. People scare me. The word outcast springs to mind, one who is cast out or rejected by society. Well, maybe, maybe not. In all probality, it is case of never having belonged to the greater whole that makes up the mass we term as society. What is scary is that I am getting older. Lonliness bites deeper. The nearest I get to bridging the gap is in my hill walking activities. Even here though more often than not I walk solo. A few years back I was in one of the remoter parts of Scotland and found parts of a tent, a trecking pole and a few other bits. Reporting when I came out, I was informed that someone had vanished in that region a couple of years previously and had never been found. Sobering, it crosses my mind often. That could be me. If something happened who would know? Very few, who would care? A small minority.
