Monday 15 September 2014

Coping

Since being diagnosed with Parkinson's it has been somewhat of a roller coaster ride. Physically there has been a range of health problems, bladder and bowel issues. Directly or indirectly related is a matter of debate?
Medication, after a some juggling and a few mishaps, has eased the actual tremor that often is an outward indication of the disease. As such, currently my physical condition is holding up quite well. My greater concern are the mental issues. For many years I have suffered from depression. For me it is normally a seasonal thing, my worst months,  December through to February. Due to circumstances much earlier in life my people skills, social interaction and so forth are quite limited to the extreme. The ability to form good, solid relationships is non existent. My one serious attempt at actually forming a long term relationship ended in appalling circumstances. We both got badly hurt. That was way back in the seventies. There have attempts since but usually ending painfully.
Yes, a lot  of folk prefer living alone and being single. However, living alone and with minimal social contact is difficult. Possibly I live to another vocabulary, love, affection, sharing the minutiae of daily living are alien to me. One tends to long for the physical aspects of partnerships. Someone to hug, to hold hands with, to share birthdays and special occasions with. That though is denied.
How does the Parkinson's fit in to this? Well, I find I am withdrawing further from people. It can be weeks before I  see even my next door neighbour. Crowded places have always been difficult to handle. That has now intensified, people worry me and there is a tendency to avoid. Mood swings are more erratic than ever. Recently I have experienced a few disconcerting moments of memory loss. Nothing major,but odd. For example using my credit card, a few times my mind has gone blank and I had no idea what the number was. In turn that has meant having my card locked. It has been the same for passwords on the computer.
One of the more worrying aspects of Parkinson's is that many sufferers in the longer term end up with dementia. That is scary and yes, it worries me. Currently I am coping with things. There is the thought that when I stop coping may be the time to quietly end things. To go out with a modicum of dignity. There is no family or any such complications and to be honest it is the way I prefer to go rather than end up a drooling, sad old old lady with little control over her daily life. In possibly what some may consider a cold blooded way of thinking, however, it is a logical consideration. Better than end up vegetating in some form of state institution.