social outcast.

There is a theme running through my head in regard to being a social outcast. Obviously there are some who deliberately choose to go down that road. There are those who, through circumstances in life become that way. Some, and here I would say, a minority; have been alienated, in one way or another, from the mainstream of society. In my own circumstances, as far back as I remember, this has always been the case. From very early home life I can distinctly remember not belonging. Institutional life started early. Again, the same pattern of events, being on the outside, looking in. Never belonging to the mainstream group of kids. It is a repetative pattern that has constantly dogged me. Right through my teens my attemps to belong, to be one of the gang, led me in to many scrapes. Often it meant being the butt of others people fun. That constant theme has led at times to extremes of behaviour. It has caused me much trouble, mental health problems and so forth. As I have grown older, so I have gradually pieced together a few answers. The aspurges syndrome, although probably in mild form, the gender issue; that did cause major issues. In all probablity there will be no light shining at the end of the tunnel. Today, I manage, to a certain degree. In many respects because I have become a better actor. Usually though I remain uncomfortable around people. yes, I can manage the everyday social pleasantaries, thereabouts. Still though I over compensate. Recently, invited to visit someone for a weekend; it somehow seemed crucial to buy presents, to leave cash. It is scary too, staying in someones home. What is home? For me, personally, home means only the place I am currently based at before moving on elswhere. Often I feel a degree of uncertaintity, at time bordering on panicky unsureness. Questions remain, I am getting older, obviously relationships are no go. In the cold light of day, I hope that when I start finding that I can no longer do the things I am doing now; when strength and ability are on the down hill run, then I hope for a swift end. Blunt but practical.