Well, this is new for me, at the moment trial an error.
For a start I am unsure how these blogs murged. It had been my intention to keep my outdoor blog as a seperate entity. This is a very personal and private part of me and to be honest I wanted to keep it apart from my other writings.
To kick off with let me say that I prefer to hear from other women and couples, really, if I must wear a label then it has to be lesbian.
Firstly let us get the shock horror bits out of the way. Me, who I am and was. I am a post op transgender woman. My background is murky and it has been a long and hard road getting to where I am today. Childhood abuse, institutions, getting gang banged when I was eleven and being put on the streets as a rent boy at the same age. Formal education finished at this time. Why is this relevant today? Simple, in some respects, it had been argued by those who know of these things that I was gender disphoric due to my background. however,despite the fact it was recognised by many that I was different., that there was traits that strongly suggested that all my leanings where feminine, nothing was done. basically I was supposed to fit the label society had decided upon. Unfortunately I refused to comply and fit snugly in to the pidgeon hole to which I had been consigned. my family broke up when I was a kid. That did not help matters. Institutional life was hell. Abuse, in many forms was the norm. It has led to many confusing aspects of my life that have taken many years to come to terms with. Sex was a big one. One of my labels was gay; and yet, at that time I hated men. Hated too what I had become, part of my learning had beenmanipulation making guys believe that they had a great time with me but, controlling the situation right through. Older men where easiest. At that period I knew nothing of women. Being labelled gay pushed me in to a situation with a woman. We where both naive and when it came to sex it was a fiasco. Enough said. my upbringing has left me suspicious of people, of relationships. Yes, I am wary of people. A lot I have come to terms with,have gained a BA Hons degree in social history. Along the way I have discovered new things and am making my way in life but there are huge gaps.
It has been several months now since surgery and things are gradually settling down. it is a relief that the op is finally over. That has taken a period of over twenty years to go through. Way back when it was realised I had a gender problem I was refused help. That still makes me angry. the fact that I was bulldozed in to a mastectomy is also a bitter pill to swallow. Currently I am waiting for an appointment to see a surgeon concerning breast augmentation. Truly speaking it is a psychological thing, I only feel half complete. This will mean another round of surgery but it must be done. The local council, after much contemplation, have agreed to fund me; which is a relief. They looked at my background history and overturned two previous refusals.In some areas though, I still struggle. On the hill I can manage thereabouts with people. However, when it comes down to day to day stuff I find it extremely difficult. my people skills are zilch. That shows up a lot in the work place. Pressure from people and the nature of the job does mean difficulties. I become very defensive, get argumentative and so on. So far two written warnings, and a couple of verbal warnings. On a more personal level relationships are zero. Yes, I have tried desperately, but have never been successful. Life shuttles between work and my flat.
There is another website of my mine. That is very private a few women have visited but I prefer to keep it women only at the moment. Ask if you are a woman.
Well I did warn this was a more personal side of me. My first post op trip away was a tad scary. There is a daily routine I have to folow, dilation. My dilation equipment is quite heavy thus I had to shop around managed to purchase lighter stuff from the USA. It also means carrying lots of baby wipes, ky jelly etc. a new learning experience. Each session lasts almost an hour, hence a book is essential too. My first trip away was at Easter, oh my, it was cold, I really got the shivers. Confidence is still shaky at the moment.
