Different?

Someone recently commented to me that I relate better to inanimate things than to people. In many respects this is probably true. There is a feeling of detachment from people; people tend to worry me. That is not really related to recent major changes in my life; although certain aspects may in some ways contribute. With me matters go much further back in my history, it is part and parcel of the emotional baggage that unfortunately dogs my footsteps. Everyone carries a certain amount of that in their lives, good things and bad. Often we see, hear or experience something in our daily lives that triggers off a memory of a previous experience, of something that has happened previously. Our formative years, the early days of our lives are the ones that shape us as we grow and mature. Growing up outside of a family context does mean that I view things differently. Aspects of institutionalism still remain. Words like love and kinship are just that, words; they are alien to me, not a part of my vocabulary. Strict institutional upbringing has warped my personal view of the world. There is that sense of belonging that is a characteristic human trait; we need to belong, when that is missing it can leave a person feeling disjointed, apart, alienated and separated from society. As I have grown older so I have become a better actor and to some degree learned to mask my feelings and emotions. Underneath the surface though seethes an undercurrent of anger and bitterness; those things do not go away. Also, I have grown highly cynical and somewhat distrustful. Although not seriously prone to panic attacks, I do find when in crowded places and situations that I have to get out; there is a feeling akin to almost panic, uptight, hot, sweaty, my reaction is to beat a retreat. Situations like that can make travelling difficult. The tube is a nightmare and buses sometimes can be as bad. On some of the night runs to Scotland I have got off the coach feeling quite ill, partly due to the fact that I have spent the night uptight through having to sit next to someone I feel uncomfortable being so close to. Although I baulk at the reality of it the truth is that is how the rest of my life will probably be out of sync and one step removed from people.

Set back

Having just returned from the hospital I must admit to being a tad disconcerted. Having, over the last year or so a problem that has constantly reoccurred and has worried my GP due to the amount of blood I was losing. Initial tests failed to identify the problem; thus it meant an appointment with the surgeon who had carried out the original operation. An ultra sound scan was done; going by the results of that the surgeon has decided I have to go in to hospital both for tests and most likely surgery. This is something I am not exactly exited about; one or two spring trips that I had in mind will now probably have to be shelved. The thought of having yet more surgery is rather stressful too. Having got back on my feet and finally achieved a modicum of hill going ability, all be it a wee bit slower, this is frustrating and I am quite frankly not a happy bunny.

concern

Early last week I went down with a particularly nasty bladder infection. It is something that has occurred several times recently. On this occasion though it was much worse than normal. Apart from having little control of the bladder and having to run to the loo every couple of minutes, I was passing large quantities of blood and was in pain. My gp promptly put me on strong antibiotics. After waiting a week for test results to come back from the lab and consulting with a urologist my gp has said that I need to see the surgeon responsible for my operation. The concern is that I may have suffered some internal damage. This could require further surgery. So now I have to wait for further appointments, more examinations and internal probes. Oddly maybe, but I have no regrets over having surgery. Although I do have questions over lack of information, followup etc. It is now just a case of wait and see.