Away over the Easter weekend. Spent the first couple of days walking solo. This is where I am most comfortable. The plan was to meet with a few other outdoor folk at a designated campsite. Due though to bad weather, basically a campsite that was a sea of mud, everyone moved to a bunkhouse. Ok, I coped with this not too badly. On the Saturday night though, something occcured that totally threw me. Without going in to details this was a situation that I would have considered to be in control of. On this occasion though that was not the case. For reasons I am unsure of, old memories came flooding back. There where feelings of guilt, memories of pain, of punishment. it was all there, so vivid, stark. These where things I thought had been dealt with, or at least, come to terms with. The whole thing scared me. If transport had been running on the Sunday I would have left there and then. As it was I just isolated through the day. Fortunately everyone was heading out to go walking. My excuse was that I had the start of a migrain. Emotionally I felt ripped apart. Even now, almost a week later, I am having difficulty understanding why I had such a strong, negative reaction. Possibly I am withdrawing further from society.
Certainly in the main I walk alone through life. Outcast is a handle that suits me well. As I grow older, I ponder at times if I am actually cursed. Yes, I have a certain social level but confidantes, really close friends, that is another story. Death is more often in my thoughts. A shadow of darkness. Pain, anger, these are things I have mentioned before. Why do I survive?
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