Saturday 5 February 2011

Pondering

It has been a long while since I last posted on here; as of late things have taken a downward turn. The last time I managed to get away was more than six months ago. That has taken its toll, mentally as well as physically. Over the last couple of years I have had a persistent bladder problem, the prognosis is an over active or dysfunctional bladder. The last year has been bad, camping in the Cairngorms last winter I had to bail out after a really bad night with this problem; by morning I was suffering from hypothermia and frostbite. After yet another hospital appointment and another minor operation I had hoped the problem was resolved. This was not the case; things have worsened to the point where I now spend most of my time in the flat. Last week, I went to view a flat out of London, a nice flat, in sheltered housing. Unfortunately the people living there where so insular and inward looking it was unbelievable; I walked away, saddened by the attitude shown.
Fine, this may seem trivial compared to what some people have to put up with.However, I am reaching an all time low. Looking at things as they stand, I am single, am not in form of relationship nor am likely to to begin one. \Life becomes lonesome asI get older and considering  all in all, what am I contributing to society? The short answer is, nothing, I do not socialise and considering things I really question what difference it would make if I decided to quietly bow out while still ahead? Does that sound cold blooded? Consider for a moment the wider picture, society, (a society I may add, where in many respects I am an outsider, a misfit,) is now supporting me, I am no longer contributing. In ancient civilizations old folk work often relieve their society of the burden of keeping them by walking away and quietly dying; doing so with grace and dignity. Maybe that sort of time has come.  It weighs heavy on my mind and I ponder it over on a regular basis. Certainly it would be weeks, even months before anyone would realise I was not around and it would be so easy to just disappear..