People

For whatever reason, I allowed myself to be persuaded to join up with a few other folk for a couple of days walking in the lake district. In some respects it highlights how confined my world has become. Being out with other people listening to their exchange of conversation, I felt alienated. it is not any ones fault. These are nice people. However, their talk was of friends, family, relationships. Normal, everyday things. Subjects though that are far removed from my daily life, unfamiliar, outside of my knowledge. My own conversation seemed trite, stilted. It was odd in a way, almost as if I was once removed, an observer looking through a window. People laughing, joking, exchanges of banter and good humour. Another world, once removed from mine. They left on the Sunday night, whereas I was staying on for another couple of days. Standing in the car park saying goodbye, I struggled with my emotions as they threatened to run riot. Biting my lip, trying to keep my voice steady when I was close to tears. Watching the cars tail lights disappearing in the distance, a sense of loss, of sadness, swept over me. Slowly I returned to the tent. Trying to occupy my mind, I cooked some supper and attempted to read. Finally though I gave up on both and just burrowed deep in to the cocoon of my sleeping bag to spend a long and listless night. The following day was just spent wandering out on the fells. The day I left was one of heavy rain, low clouds and dark, brooding sky. To be honest it matched my mood and I was glad to leave.

Preparing for winter

The weather is noticeably turning colder. Winter is approaching in no uncertain manner. This is the time of year that I find most difficult in the outdoors. In an earlier blog I mentioned dilation. Not kidney dilation either. It comes with the territory and is something I adhere to on an almost daily basis. Missing the odd day here and there is no problem though. However, it takes up the best part of an hour. It is tedious, a book is a must. Without a book I find that every few minutes I stare at the clock and Oh my, time can drag. As most folk will notice over on my outdoor blog, I am away often. At least, as long as I have enough cash to pay for a coach ticket. Doing these very personal necessities poses their own problems in winter. For a start, it is cold, very, sometimes and I can end up shaking with cold. Also, I use KY jelly, it does strange things when it gets cold. If temperatures are very low and my kit that I use are not protected the ky can freeze. It has happened. There is a limit to the amount of baby wipes I can carry. Normally I just grit my teeth and clean up with cold water. A few days back I received an e mail from a guy, anonymous. Not really a harmful e mail, but he was complaining that I was too explicit, too open about myself. Maybe I am, however, I have seen and have been very aware how these these issues are not discussed or aired. As a result folk are ignorant of the facts. They have strange misconceptions. One of those is that it is a case of a guy just wanting to dress up as woman. Psychiatrists and professional people world wide are now realising this is far from the case. It is not just the physical side of things. Things run a lot deeper than that. No one in their right mind would go through what people like myself go through just for the sheer fun of it. Maybe I am lucky in not having family. There are cases where families are torn apart by gender problems. Suicides are not that uncommon. For me it is extremely hard to explain things but I try. It is best to honest and if I make folk see things in a better light then that can only be good.

Isolated

Well, things have come a messy pass. Having recently returned from Scotland I find that there has been a civil court case held against me by my former employers. What is annoying is that I received no communication that this was going through. It was all done in my absence. Having contacted my solicitors they now inform me that it a civil matter and something they do not deal with. There is mention of court costs to the sum of several thousand pounds. Well, someone has fallen flat on their face there. My flat is devoid of almost all furniture. There is not even a bed, only my mattress. There is no cooker, microwave or fridge, only a chair. The few items of any value are my lap top and tv. The tv is a basic 14" thing. My lap top is the one thing of any intrinsic value, in that it is my window out in to the world. Obviously, to me my outdoor stuff is of more value. Monetary wise it is not worth that much at all. Having spent time trying to find out where I actually stand in all this, I am left feeling very isolated. One thing people can be assured of, I will not voluntarily let any bailiffs through the door. As it is, when I go away any time my lap top and a few other bits will not be left in the flat. If anyone come knocking at the door looking for cash things may well turn nasty.

Kids?

Today I had to take a bus journey. It was quite a busy bus and I took a seat upstairs near the back. Three teenage girls where sitting directly behind me on the long back bench seat. Almost as soon as sat down A string of verbal abuse, directed at me, began. The language, to put it mildly, was vulgar. No one could accuse me of being a prude but this was hard to accept. The girl directly behind me, was the obvious ring leader. She poke me on the shoulder. "Oi, you, what the f--k are you?" maybe I should have just got off the bus at that point and walked away? Why though, why should my life be dominated at the whim of three teenage girls? There was no reasoning with them. Their language and attitude was vitriolic. It was confrontational, abusive. My anger was rising, inside I was seething. Finally the ringleader stood up and stood over me. "You piece of s---, white trash." basically I told her to shut it, I had had enough, I just held eye contact, refusing to back down. She raised her voice even higher. "Shut it or I'll do you." Her two mates screeched encouragement. Her hand went to her jacket pocket. If she had gone any further I would have hit her and sod the consequences. Instead the three of them stalked off down the bus laughing and jeering. The rest of the passengers just sat there. It was obvious they did not want to be involved. usually when these things happen I somehow shrug it off, but this leaves me very unsettled, angry too. Confidence yet again eroded. It just raises yet more questions.

Big brother

Over the last few months, following legal advice, I have been unable to write here. After a police raid on my flat and subsequent arrest it appears that allegations had been made against me. Part of the problem relates back to my former employers. Having clashed with two managers, both homophobic and steeped in the aura of their own authority, I had challenged them. The whys and wherefores are too long and complicated to go in to. Truth was twisted and distorted, ridiculous allegations where made. The fact that someone such as myself had the temerity to stand up against them obviously was considered a challenge to their authority. Having lost everything, job, my own equipment, tools, holiday pay and so forth, I was angry, justifiably so. Further allegations where made. It now transpires that my blog pages where being monitored by various people. This includes the police, they actually admitted that and had taken sections of my scribblings as evidence. It makes one wonder, do they actually spend time checking up on my trips as well. The mind boggles at the thought of the police actually checking out my grid references etc. One more, my whole past was thrown in my face. My background, history, everything was mauled over and dragged out again for another public airing. Today, having been on police bail for several weeks, someone has finally realised that there is no case against me that would stand up in court and all charges have been dropped. How do I feel? Well, maybe a tad relieved, however, bitter and further removed from mainstream society. Slowly, slowly I am edging toward the idea of just walking out on everything.

frustration

Sitting here at the keyboard I realise it has now been three days since I last ventured out of doors. At present I am waiting on something I had to order before heading north once more. because of my daily dilation I need complete protection from the midges. That means a full size midge net. Something I currently do not have.
What have I been doing since my last trip. In some ways, not a lot. In other ways, spending much time trying to figure out the easiest way to move from London. Basically it all comes down to finance. Being on benefits puts me on the bottom of the finance ladder, or more likely, below it. Benefits means no mortgage. It would not be covered. Bank loan, sorry, without job security it is not feasible. Ok, get a job. Therein lies a problem. Sure I have a few skills, nothing on paper though. There is an added problem, a people problem, I am unable to work with other people. That is not an excuse, it is a reality. Maybe it is down to this aspurges thing. My last job, which was the first in several years,I struggled with for ten years until it finally blew up in my face. There is no way I am prepared to go through that again. My trip across Scotland has heightened those feelings. It was so difficult for me, emotionally and mentally. Taking charge, leading from the front, that is not my strong point. In fact, it is a struggle. Some nights I would go to sleep totally wrung out mentally. It is highly likely that is why I ended up with vertigo. It followed after some really bad nightmares, something that had not occurred for some time. On that particular night I remember waking up trying to scream, afraid. The sudden and violent waking with a jolting head movement,was enough to trigger a severe bout of vertigo.. That was confirmed when I checked out with a GP. So far I have contacted scores of estate agents about renting properties, advertised, spoke to local people gone through local newspapers, nothing. Not on my financial level anyway. In some ways I am tempted to just up and go. Dump everything and walk away. Gradually I have been getting rid of material things. My main fridge went to a neighbour all I am using now is an electric cool box. My microwave went to someone else. Cooking now is done on the draining board on whatever stove I happen to have fuel for. Currently I am cooking on meths. My large monitor/tv was swapped for a basic small tv. My dvd player has gone, ditto the high majority of my books. My furniture is down to basics, a chair and a bed. A lot of clothes went as well. Some of my outdoor gear has gone. A very light, but large tent will be given away to anyone who wants it. Maybe one of my smaller tents will go too. They are just things, they have no real importance. All my past, anything from earlier years has gone. In July I am meeting up with a few folk for a weekend on Dartmoor. Now that I am reverting back to mainly going solo, I am uneasy about it. As I have written before, a few people are genuine outcasts from mainstream society. They may be in society but are not a part of it. As I grow older I question many things; death, euthanasia, freedom of choice.

If

Having just come back from a trip north saw me looking through various blog sites, just catching up on what was happening out there.. In one there is a mention of a lone hiker who died in a remote area. It set me thinking, just reflecting on the events of the previous week. Throughout the bulk of the trip I felt unsettled. Not depressed Per SE, but not totally at ease either. A few times recently I have woken from bad, weird dreams. That has not happened for some time. One event in particular made me pause and think.Picking my way through an area of dense scrub and undergrowth I found myself funnelled down into deep gully. The bushes and small trees that enclosed it formed a perfect canopy over it. There was space underneath, a hollow, a natural chamber. Little in the way of natural light managed to filter through. My first though that came to mind was how tomb like it was. Slipping my rucksack off, I sat for a few moments, noticing the silence, the coolness, the tangy, earth smells. Unbidden the thought came, 'what a perfect place to die'. It was not in a morbid way, just a general acceptance of our own mortality. What could be more natural than to be absorbed back in to the very earth. No digging of a specialised hole in the ground, enclosed in a cheap wooden box, just another person being buried by some minister to whom I am a stranger.No marking of the place, just a plot number in some obscure church yard. When an animal dies on the hill it is not long before it's carcase is absorbed, the bones remains but even those are soon covered and become part of the Eco system too. It caused me to reflect on other things too. When I travel no one knows that I have gone. After all, for me, who is there to inform? There is no family, no close connections. Who would miss me? How long would it be before anyone realised I was missing? Definitely weeks, in all probability, months. Recently I have been stripping stuff down. My microwave has gone, my large fridge, some of my clothing, the majority of my books. My only furniture is a bed and a chair. So my possessions are few, there is nothing of real importance. If things did go wrong on the hill, I will not say 'the worst' because it really is not the worst case scenario, then ok, it happens. Better surely than existing out the later years in some cheap and tiny flat.