Different?

Someone recently commented to me that I relate better to inanimate things than to people. In many respects this is probably true. There is a feeling of detachment from people; people tend to worry me. That is not really related to recent major changes in my life; although certain aspects may in some ways contribute. With me matters go much further back in my history, it is part and parcel of the emotional baggage that unfortunately dogs my footsteps. Everyone carries a certain amount of that in their lives, good things and bad. Often we see, hear or experience something in our daily lives that triggers off a memory of a previous experience, of something that has happened previously. Our formative years, the early days of our lives are the ones that shape us as we grow and mature. Growing up outside of a family context does mean that I view things differently. Aspects of institutionalism still remain. Words like love and kinship are just that, words; they are alien to me, not a part of my vocabulary. Strict institutional upbringing has warped my personal view of the world. There is that sense of belonging that is a characteristic human trait; we need to belong, when that is missing it can leave a person feeling disjointed, apart, alienated and separated from society. As I have grown older so I have become a better actor and to some degree learned to mask my feelings and emotions. Underneath the surface though seethes an undercurrent of anger and bitterness; those things do not go away. Also, I have grown highly cynical and somewhat distrustful. Although not seriously prone to panic attacks, I do find when in crowded places and situations that I have to get out; there is a feeling akin to almost panic, uptight, hot, sweaty, my reaction is to beat a retreat. Situations like that can make travelling difficult. The tube is a nightmare and buses sometimes can be as bad. On some of the night runs to Scotland I have got off the coach feeling quite ill, partly due to the fact that I have spent the night uptight through having to sit next to someone I feel uncomfortable being so close to. Although I baulk at the reality of it the truth is that is how the rest of my life will probably be out of sync and one step removed from people.