Well, this side of things is my personal side. Thoughts, ponderings and so on. If you visit then please do so with consideration. Your comments are welcome but do remember these are sensitive issues.
Someone commented the other day about the fact that I had gone through surgery etc. They reflected the views of many, a,that it was a drastic step to take, b,that surgery was the b all of everything. Not so, it is only another step along the way. Another popular misconception that is that it is just a form of castration. A total misconception, the surgery is very complex, it is a complete restructuring of one's sexual organs. Basically, I have vagina, if I so wanted, could have sex as any other woman. That is what makes the op so complex. The surgery itself is only the start of a long and somewhat difficult process. After surgery the new vagina must be kept open, it needs to be stretched etc. The procedure is termed dilation. For the first few months it is an uncomfortable procedure. At first, while stitches are in place, painful and then slowly things ease. It has been a major learning curve in many areas, including personal hygene.Going for a pee on the hill has suddenly become more complex too.
Well, I did not intend to go there but so many people ask and are curious. Dilation is something I still have to do, even out on the hill.
It was mentioned just a few days back, "Well, you chose to go down that path" Yes, in some respects I did, in many ways though it was a question of driven by necessity. I would argue that no one in there right mind would go through this just for the heck of it. The screening process is very strict here in the UK. Ok, I know that one can go abroad. in fact I know of at least one person who has done so, paid huge sums of money and then realised they have made a mistake. Life can be tough living in the role society has allocated you when you know you are different, when you feel unable to fit. way back when I was a kid I knew something was different, wrong, whatever. I battled against that. One common problem with many transgender people is they over compensate in an attempt to fit. they go to extremes. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt; and suffered the consequences. Even joined the army and was thrown out as a danger and theat to the moral of the troops? true, I have seen the paperwork.
One problem I still have is that I am over sensitive, acutely self conscious. Often I wear a mask, I bluff, become an actor. I smile and present a face that says 'I am cool, am fine'. Inside though I am churning away. certain physical parts of me cause me problems, my hands and feet are a constant source of embarrassment. Sitting on the train not so long ago, hearing two guys discussing me quite openly. 'Paper bag job that one' 'Nah, that's a dyke, must be, got a face like the back end of bus.' Strueth wouldn't like to meet up with her on a dark night.'' Look at 'er though, she's built like a brick shit'ouse'. Confrontation solves nothing, it is a question of smile and say nothing. Even out on the hill I am uncertain of people.
There is facial reconstruction that can be carried out. To be honest though, at my age is it worth it? Apart from the cost, having spoken to several who have had it done.; the results of which are very good, but the pain and agony that follows reconstruction puts me off. A full facial op means every bone in the facial area is broken and re shaped, hundreds of stitches and staples are put in, inside the mouth too. A constant supply of pain killers have to be taken through a tube. Maybe vanity will win and I will go for a general face lift.
For me personally, relationships still suffer. that has been a problem all my life though. the difference now being that I am growing that much older and miss companionship. over the years I have worked hard to get this far, got on top of manic depression, have got to a stage of managing my own life far better than I used to; relationships are an area that still remains blank. Certainly I have tried and have payed a heavy price in the process.
Soon I must think seriously of quitting my job. having no reserve funds, no investments etc, makes this a major decision. Work though is becoming too much, too physical. I have lost strength and get tired more easily. The pyhsical demands of work are starting to affect my health.
Saturday, 30 June 2007
Friday, 24 November 2006
Dawn's memories.
Well, this is new for me, at the moment trial an error.
For a start I am unsure how these blogs murged. It had been my intention to keep my outdoor blog as a seperate entity. This is a very personal and private part of me and to be honest I wanted to keep it apart from my other writings.
To kick off with let me say that I prefer to hear from other women and couples, really, if I must wear a label then it has to be lesbian.
Firstly let us get the shock horror bits out of the way. Me, who I am and was. I am a post op transgender woman. My background is murky and it has been a long and hard road getting to where I am today. Childhood abuse, institutions, getting gang banged when I was eleven and being put on the streets as a rent boy at the same age. Formal education finished at this time. Why is this relevant today? Simple, in some respects, it had been argued by those who know of these things that I was gender disphoric due to my background. however,despite the fact it was recognised by many that I was different., that there was traits that strongly suggested that all my leanings where feminine, nothing was done. basically I was supposed to fit the label society had decided upon. Unfortunately I refused to comply and fit snugly in to the pidgeon hole to which I had been consigned. my family broke up when I was a kid. That did not help matters. Institutional life was hell. Abuse, in many forms was the norm. It has led to many confusing aspects of my life that have taken many years to come to terms with. Sex was a big one. One of my labels was gay; and yet, at that time I hated men. Hated too what I had become, part of my learning had beenmanipulation making guys believe that they had a great time with me but, controlling the situation right through. Older men where easiest. At that period I knew nothing of women. Being labelled gay pushed me in to a situation with a woman. We where both naive and when it came to sex it was a fiasco. Enough said. my upbringing has left me suspicious of people, of relationships. Yes, I am wary of people. A lot I have come to terms with,have gained a BA Hons degree in social history. Along the way I have discovered new things and am making my way in life but there are huge gaps.
It has been several months now since surgery and things are gradually settling down. it is a relief that the op is finally over. That has taken a period of over twenty years to go through. Way back when it was realised I had a gender problem I was refused help. That still makes me angry. the fact that I was bulldozed in to a mastectomy is also a bitter pill to swallow. Currently I am waiting for an appointment to see a surgeon concerning breast augmentation. Truly speaking it is a psychological thing, I only feel half complete. This will mean another round of surgery but it must be done. The local council, after much contemplation, have agreed to fund me; which is a relief. They looked at my background history and overturned two previous refusals.In some areas though, I still struggle. On the hill I can manage thereabouts with people. However, when it comes down to day to day stuff I find it extremely difficult. my people skills are zilch. That shows up a lot in the work place. Pressure from people and the nature of the job does mean difficulties. I become very defensive, get argumentative and so on. So far two written warnings, and a couple of verbal warnings. On a more personal level relationships are zero. Yes, I have tried desperately, but have never been successful. Life shuttles between work and my flat.
There is another website of my mine. That is very private a few women have visited but I prefer to keep it women only at the moment. Ask if you are a woman.
Well I did warn this was a more personal side of me. My first post op trip away was a tad scary. There is a daily routine I have to folow, dilation. My dilation equipment is quite heavy thus I had to shop around managed to purchase lighter stuff from the USA. It also means carrying lots of baby wipes, ky jelly etc. a new learning experience. Each session lasts almost an hour, hence a book is essential too. My first trip away was at Easter, oh my, it was cold, I really got the shivers. Confidence is still shaky at the moment.
For a start I am unsure how these blogs murged. It had been my intention to keep my outdoor blog as a seperate entity. This is a very personal and private part of me and to be honest I wanted to keep it apart from my other writings.
To kick off with let me say that I prefer to hear from other women and couples, really, if I must wear a label then it has to be lesbian.
Firstly let us get the shock horror bits out of the way. Me, who I am and was. I am a post op transgender woman. My background is murky and it has been a long and hard road getting to where I am today. Childhood abuse, institutions, getting gang banged when I was eleven and being put on the streets as a rent boy at the same age. Formal education finished at this time. Why is this relevant today? Simple, in some respects, it had been argued by those who know of these things that I was gender disphoric due to my background. however,despite the fact it was recognised by many that I was different., that there was traits that strongly suggested that all my leanings where feminine, nothing was done. basically I was supposed to fit the label society had decided upon. Unfortunately I refused to comply and fit snugly in to the pidgeon hole to which I had been consigned. my family broke up when I was a kid. That did not help matters. Institutional life was hell. Abuse, in many forms was the norm. It has led to many confusing aspects of my life that have taken many years to come to terms with. Sex was a big one. One of my labels was gay; and yet, at that time I hated men. Hated too what I had become, part of my learning had beenmanipulation making guys believe that they had a great time with me but, controlling the situation right through. Older men where easiest. At that period I knew nothing of women. Being labelled gay pushed me in to a situation with a woman. We where both naive and when it came to sex it was a fiasco. Enough said. my upbringing has left me suspicious of people, of relationships. Yes, I am wary of people. A lot I have come to terms with,have gained a BA Hons degree in social history. Along the way I have discovered new things and am making my way in life but there are huge gaps.
It has been several months now since surgery and things are gradually settling down. it is a relief that the op is finally over. That has taken a period of over twenty years to go through. Way back when it was realised I had a gender problem I was refused help. That still makes me angry. the fact that I was bulldozed in to a mastectomy is also a bitter pill to swallow. Currently I am waiting for an appointment to see a surgeon concerning breast augmentation. Truly speaking it is a psychological thing, I only feel half complete. This will mean another round of surgery but it must be done. The local council, after much contemplation, have agreed to fund me; which is a relief. They looked at my background history and overturned two previous refusals.In some areas though, I still struggle. On the hill I can manage thereabouts with people. However, when it comes down to day to day stuff I find it extremely difficult. my people skills are zilch. That shows up a lot in the work place. Pressure from people and the nature of the job does mean difficulties. I become very defensive, get argumentative and so on. So far two written warnings, and a couple of verbal warnings. On a more personal level relationships are zero. Yes, I have tried desperately, but have never been successful. Life shuttles between work and my flat.
There is another website of my mine. That is very private a few women have visited but I prefer to keep it women only at the moment. Ask if you are a woman.
Well I did warn this was a more personal side of me. My first post op trip away was a tad scary. There is a daily routine I have to folow, dilation. My dilation equipment is quite heavy thus I had to shop around managed to purchase lighter stuff from the USA. It also means carrying lots of baby wipes, ky jelly etc. a new learning experience. Each session lasts almost an hour, hence a book is essential too. My first trip away was at Easter, oh my, it was cold, I really got the shivers. Confidence is still shaky at the moment.
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