Set back

Having just returned from the hospital I must admit to being a tad disconcerted. Having, over the last year or so a problem that has constantly reoccurred and has worried my GP due to the amount of blood I was losing. Initial tests failed to identify the problem; thus it meant an appointment with the surgeon who had carried out the original operation. An ultra sound scan was done; going by the results of that the surgeon has decided I have to go in to hospital both for tests and most likely surgery. This is something I am not exactly exited about; one or two spring trips that I had in mind will now probably have to be shelved. The thought of having yet more surgery is rather stressful too. Having got back on my feet and finally achieved a modicum of hill going ability, all be it a wee bit slower, this is frustrating and I am quite frankly not a happy bunny.

concern

Early last week I went down with a particularly nasty bladder infection. It is something that has occurred several times recently. On this occasion though it was much worse than normal. Apart from having little control of the bladder and having to run to the loo every couple of minutes, I was passing large quantities of blood and was in pain. My gp promptly put me on strong antibiotics. After waiting a week for test results to come back from the lab and consulting with a urologist my gp has said that I need to see the surgeon responsible for my operation. The concern is that I may have suffered some internal damage. This could require further surgery. So now I have to wait for further appointments, more examinations and internal probes. Oddly maybe, but I have no regrets over having surgery. Although I do have questions over lack of information, followup etc. It is now just a case of wait and see.

People

For whatever reason, I allowed myself to be persuaded to join up with a few other folk for a couple of days walking in the lake district. In some respects it highlights how confined my world has become. Being out with other people listening to their exchange of conversation, I felt alienated. it is not any ones fault. These are nice people. However, their talk was of friends, family, relationships. Normal, everyday things. Subjects though that are far removed from my daily life, unfamiliar, outside of my knowledge. My own conversation seemed trite, stilted. It was odd in a way, almost as if I was once removed, an observer looking through a window. People laughing, joking, exchanges of banter and good humour. Another world, once removed from mine. They left on the Sunday night, whereas I was staying on for another couple of days. Standing in the car park saying goodbye, I struggled with my emotions as they threatened to run riot. Biting my lip, trying to keep my voice steady when I was close to tears. Watching the cars tail lights disappearing in the distance, a sense of loss, of sadness, swept over me. Slowly I returned to the tent. Trying to occupy my mind, I cooked some supper and attempted to read. Finally though I gave up on both and just burrowed deep in to the cocoon of my sleeping bag to spend a long and listless night. The following day was just spent wandering out on the fells. The day I left was one of heavy rain, low clouds and dark, brooding sky. To be honest it matched my mood and I was glad to leave.

Preparing for winter

The weather is noticeably turning colder. Winter is approaching in no uncertain manner. This is the time of year that I find most difficult in the outdoors. In an earlier blog I mentioned dilation. Not kidney dilation either. It comes with the territory and is something I adhere to on an almost daily basis. Missing the odd day here and there is no problem though. However, it takes up the best part of an hour. It is tedious, a book is a must. Without a book I find that every few minutes I stare at the clock and Oh my, time can drag. As most folk will notice over on my outdoor blog, I am away often. At least, as long as I have enough cash to pay for a coach ticket. Doing these very personal necessities poses their own problems in winter. For a start, it is cold, very, sometimes and I can end up shaking with cold. Also, I use KY jelly, it does strange things when it gets cold. If temperatures are very low and my kit that I use are not protected the ky can freeze. It has happened. There is a limit to the amount of baby wipes I can carry. Normally I just grit my teeth and clean up with cold water. A few days back I received an e mail from a guy, anonymous. Not really a harmful e mail, but he was complaining that I was too explicit, too open about myself. Maybe I am, however, I have seen and have been very aware how these these issues are not discussed or aired. As a result folk are ignorant of the facts. They have strange misconceptions. One of those is that it is a case of a guy just wanting to dress up as woman. Psychiatrists and professional people world wide are now realising this is far from the case. It is not just the physical side of things. Things run a lot deeper than that. No one in their right mind would go through what people like myself go through just for the sheer fun of it. Maybe I am lucky in not having family. There are cases where families are torn apart by gender problems. Suicides are not that uncommon. For me it is extremely hard to explain things but I try. It is best to honest and if I make folk see things in a better light then that can only be good.

Isolated

Well, things have come a messy pass. Having recently returned from Scotland I find that there has been a civil court case held against me by my former employers. What is annoying is that I received no communication that this was going through. It was all done in my absence. Having contacted my solicitors they now inform me that it a civil matter and something they do not deal with. There is mention of court costs to the sum of several thousand pounds. Well, someone has fallen flat on their face there. My flat is devoid of almost all furniture. There is not even a bed, only my mattress. There is no cooker, microwave or fridge, only a chair. The few items of any value are my lap top and tv. The tv is a basic 14" thing. My lap top is the one thing of any intrinsic value, in that it is my window out in to the world. Obviously, to me my outdoor stuff is of more value. Monetary wise it is not worth that much at all. Having spent time trying to find out where I actually stand in all this, I am left feeling very isolated. One thing people can be assured of, I will not voluntarily let any bailiffs through the door. As it is, when I go away any time my lap top and a few other bits will not be left in the flat. If anyone come knocking at the door looking for cash things may well turn nasty.

Kids?

Today I had to take a bus journey. It was quite a busy bus and I took a seat upstairs near the back. Three teenage girls where sitting directly behind me on the long back bench seat. Almost as soon as sat down A string of verbal abuse, directed at me, began. The language, to put it mildly, was vulgar. No one could accuse me of being a prude but this was hard to accept. The girl directly behind me, was the obvious ring leader. She poke me on the shoulder. "Oi, you, what the f--k are you?" maybe I should have just got off the bus at that point and walked away? Why though, why should my life be dominated at the whim of three teenage girls? There was no reasoning with them. Their language and attitude was vitriolic. It was confrontational, abusive. My anger was rising, inside I was seething. Finally the ringleader stood up and stood over me. "You piece of s---, white trash." basically I told her to shut it, I had had enough, I just held eye contact, refusing to back down. She raised her voice even higher. "Shut it or I'll do you." Her two mates screeched encouragement. Her hand went to her jacket pocket. If she had gone any further I would have hit her and sod the consequences. Instead the three of them stalked off down the bus laughing and jeering. The rest of the passengers just sat there. It was obvious they did not want to be involved. usually when these things happen I somehow shrug it off, but this leaves me very unsettled, angry too. Confidence yet again eroded. It just raises yet more questions.

Big brother

Over the last few months, following legal advice, I have been unable to write here. After a police raid on my flat and subsequent arrest it appears that allegations had been made against me. Part of the problem relates back to my former employers. Having clashed with two managers, both homophobic and steeped in the aura of their own authority, I had challenged them. The whys and wherefores are too long and complicated to go in to. Truth was twisted and distorted, ridiculous allegations where made. The fact that someone such as myself had the temerity to stand up against them obviously was considered a challenge to their authority. Having lost everything, job, my own equipment, tools, holiday pay and so forth, I was angry, justifiably so. Further allegations where made. It now transpires that my blog pages where being monitored by various people. This includes the police, they actually admitted that and had taken sections of my scribblings as evidence. It makes one wonder, do they actually spend time checking up on my trips as well. The mind boggles at the thought of the police actually checking out my grid references etc. One more, my whole past was thrown in my face. My background, history, everything was mauled over and dragged out again for another public airing. Today, having been on police bail for several weeks, someone has finally realised that there is no case against me that would stand up in court and all charges have been dropped. How do I feel? Well, maybe a tad relieved, however, bitter and further removed from mainstream society. Slowly, slowly I am edging toward the idea of just walking out on everything.