Wednesday 7 January 2015

Recently child abuse has made much on the headlines. The Jimmy Saville case, abuse in institutions and so forth. These things are far from new. To be honest, I have been there. Often there are flashbacks. News headlines, something in the papers, odd things that crop up. There are dark memories, they never go away. Dates, times, they become blurred, over the years things become a bit foggy. The pain, like a dull ache, never goes away. There is anger too, bitterness, so many feelings. Over the years, I have learned to mask those feelings, more or less?
Mentioning  Saville maybe I can illustrate the sort of person he was. The incident happened some years back. Where is of little importance. He was smoking one of his cigars, obviously loving being centre stage, egoistic? certainly. As he smoked there where a few guys close by, they where forever after smokes, checking ash trays, picking up fag ends to make roll ups. It was their way of life. Saville saw them hovering nearby. Looking at them directly, he took his half smoked cigar, dropped it on the floor and deliberately ground it under his heel.
At this moment in time I am not able to go in to detail. My history is still too raw. It all started early in life with what maybe described as a dysfunctional family. Certainly I grew up differently. It has left many holes in my life. Personal relationships are no go. Parties, never been to one, ditto dances, weddings and so forth.